


Sex ed.

by Janice_Lester



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-13
Updated: 2010-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-27 06:34:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Janice_Lester/pseuds/Janice_Lester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones has to give a health lecture. Jim is an asshole about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sex ed.

**Author's Note:**

> Unashamed crack. This is a slightly-expanded version of my [kink meme fill](http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink_meme/7137.html?thread=6627041). Beta'd by [](http://insanekht.livejournal.com/profile)[insanekht](http://insanekht.livejournal.com/).

  
The goddamn kid-captain pranced in with the air of someone coming to teach a class, not take one, and sprawled out across three chairs in the front row none of the fidgeting, embarrassed-looking, _punctual_ crew had wanted to take. He folded his hands on his abdomen and looked expectantly at McCoy.

“As I was saying, _communication_ and _adequate lubrication_ should be your watch-words. With patience, trust, and proper preparation, you’ll be surprised how accommodating the human body can be, even the rectum—” Jim’s hand had gone up. Well, his whole arm, actually. And he was _waving_ it. McCoy stifled a groan, knowing he wasn’t going to like this. “You have a question, Captain?”

Jim sat up slightly straighter. “Is toothpaste an acceptable lubricant, you know, in a pinch?”

_Lord, give me patience… and no more rectally-injured_ patients…

“I wouldn’t recommend it, but you’re welcome to try. I can lend you a condom demonstration model if you don’t have a suitable sex toy or partner of your own.”

Apparently, instead of being taken as a threat that he might be sleeping on the couch, as it were, for the foreseeable after this little performance, this only appeared only to add to Jim’s amusement. “How about barbecue sauce, will that work?”

_Lord, could you hurry up with that patience, please?_

“I really would recommend substances actually designed to be used as sexual lubricants, Captain. These are made freely available to all personnel in an effort to avoid just the kind of irresponsible, risky behaviour whose results I’ve been seein’ in sickbay lately. All you need do is fill out the form listed under ‘Sexual health’ in the requisitions database on any terminal or padd on the ship, and a supply will be discreetly dispatched to your quarters by the start of the next duty shift.”

Jim’s hand was still up. People sniggered. McCoy glared.

“But, you know, if you’re stranded on a strange alien world where there _is_ no requisitions database, what then? Will camomile tea do the trick, in sufficient quantities? How about boot polish?”

People were laughing outright now. McCoy reminded himself sternly that grinding of the teeth was associated with migraines.

“If you really must engage in anal intercourse—and, really, Captain, there are many other mutually enjoyable sexual activities which do not require artificial lubrication—in circumstances where you have no access to commercial lubricant, look for smooth, slippery substances you’d need soap and water to get off your hands. And I’d not recommend anything likely to sting, stain, or poison, _all right?”_

Jim made an exaggerated mime of zipping his lips closed.

McCoy turned back to his notes. “Now, if the receptive party is new to anal sex, or is out of practice, or has suffered an injury in that region, extra care needs to be taken. Comfort should be your guide. Anal sex is often uncomfortable, especially at first, but it should not be _painful_. If you experience pain, stop and regroup. Return to digital penetration, perhaps, for a while longer. Work your way up to the insertion of a penis or dildo, don’t attempt it right off the bat. _Yes_ , Jim?” He really did not want to ask, but it was difficult to ignore the man when he was bouncing in his seat like an over-eager child in school, hand repeatedly stabbing the air over his head.

Jim started to speak without opening his mouth, stopped, held up a finger. Then he reversed his mimed zipping procedure. “What about santorum? I keep hearing tell of it, but have never experienced it. Am I missing out? Am I doing it wrong?”

There was a crafty, calculated look in Jim’s eye that made McCoy very much want to march over there and sedate him. Especially since the whole assembly had exploded into raucous laughter. He immediately dismissed the notion of pretending not to know what “santorum” was; Jim would not likely be embarrassed by having to define the term. On the other hand, McCoy did _not_ wish to give in to the captain’s apparent desire to have his sexual performance praised in front of an audience.

“Accidents can happen,” he tried, matter-of-factly. “Best thing is to deal with them in an adult manner, with a dose of humour, and not panic. Anything else, Jim?”

Jim aimed a wink over his shoulder towards where Lieutenant Uhura was sitting with a couple of girlfriends. “Anything a lady should know before she pegs a hot dude’s eager ass?”

This time, McCoy could not contain his eye-roll. “The usual rules apply, Jim, trust, lubrication, communication, lubrication, preparation, _lubrication_ , hygiene…”

Jim had produced a padd and was taking notes, mumbling after McCoy “…Lubrication, preparation… lubrication, hygiene… Got it.” He looked up, pitched his voice to carry once more. “How should you prepare for inserting a squirmy thing, like perhaps a gerbil?”

Laughter. Tooth-grinding.

“Do not,” McCoy enunciated very clearly, “insert gerbils into anyone’s rectum.”

“What if it’s a hypoallergenic, electronically-controlled, lifelike artificial gerbil? No consent trouble there, no issues with rotting or allergies or sharp claws, right?”

_Why did I ever agree to do this?_

“Treat it as you would any other object or organ to be inserted: proceed only when you’re sure the rectum is properly prepared to accept the widest part of the item’s insert-able length—you should not be inserting objects in their entirety, you might lose them, that’s why toys designed for anal use have flared bases—and use plenty of lube. _Appropriate_ lube, Jim.”

If he returned to his quarters after this debacle to find that Jim actually _did_ have a lifelike mechanical gerbil, Leonard H. McCoy, MD, PhD, would not be held responsible for his actions.

And the idiot’s hand was still up. McCoy began calculating what it would cost him to convince Geoff M’Benga to come down here and take over this goddamn circus.

***END***

  



End file.
